Listening: The most important skill you’ll ever learn.
Listening well is the key to good communication and good relationships, as we can only fully connect in a relationship by listening and being heard.
But as you already know, there’s more to listening than simply staying quiet. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages can become easily misunderstood. We tend to fill in the gaps of our understanding with assumptions, worldview, and understanding of a situation. Misunderstandings are easy to do in even our closest relationships. While generally the differences between us that are a cause of celebration and strength, they are also natural differences in perspectives.
When misunderstandings happen, we can encounter a communication breakdown in which both parties become irritated and frustrated.
Listening isn’t just about hearing information or even about understanding meaning; it’s an opportunity to grow closer to another person.
We can appreciate the people in our lives for who they are, not what we think they should be; then, we are ready to listen to them.
Listening and hearing are related, but not the same thing.
Hearing is what your ears are capable of doing. It’s a function that you might do well or poorly. Still, it doesn’t take any conscious effort, and hearing your partner and being able to parrot back their words will probably not bring you closer or increase your intimacy unless the bar is very, very low for one of you.
The ability to listen is associated not just with closer and richer personal relationships. Still, listening skills are the best success factors for your career, academic success or creative work.
Listening is an active process. It involves a focused and concentrated effort. It’s also a skill that you can, and should, develop—paying attention to the details of a story, the non-verbal messages, the language and the voice, the emotion behind the news. Your listening skills depend on how much you can pick up, understand and interpret these messages.
The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen
Waiting for someone to finish talking so we can respond is not listening.
We all know that person, and it’s safe to say that we’ve all been that person at some point. But what we are doing in the case of ‘listening just to respond’ is not listening. It’s waiting.
The difference between ‘waiting’ and ‘listening’ is an important distinction. When we are waiting, we aren’t focusing on our partner’s message; we focus on what we will say and then adapt it based on what someone has said. But when this is our objective, we are not open to another person’s worldview or opinion. And so, we are unable to connect with them or to understand them.
We need to make our intention the complete and accurate understanding of what someone is saying, their point of view, to learn m
We need to make our intention the complete and accurate understanding of what someone is saying, their point of view, to learn more about them and to become closer to them in that way.
Listening is a selfless process.
- The first step is to show interest and demonstrate they have your full attention.
- Encourage the speaker to communicate openly and honestly.
- Show your partner that you have heard their feelings as well as their words.
There are notable exceptions for when we might need to be careful in giving too much of ourselves. The most important of these is when someone is in an abusive or toxic relationship. If you are in a toxic relationship or suspect someone you know is, please seek the aid of a professional psychologist or counsellor.
Ways we can improve our listening:
- Holding space
- Gentle pressure or no pressure at all
- Handle yourself in charged situations
- Asking good questions
- Responsive listening
- Make your only goal to understand
- Validate (where appropriate)
- Show them you care (where appropriate)
- Listening to body and tone
- Reserving our judgement
- Leaving our bias at the door
- Refrain from jumping into action
- Refrain from suggesting solutions until we asked.
- Not letting your ego get in the way
- Being distracted by shiny new ideas
- Learning about communications techniques designed to mislead (e.g. Misdirection from someone who is actively lying).