A boundary is where one thing ends and another begins. A boundary is a necessary and healthy dividing line between two people. It reflects that you are a separate person with your own physical and emotional needs,
Boundaries are just as much about your relationship with yourself as with others. They make you stronger and give you identity. With boundaries, you can have healthy relationships and share and grow together.
Healthy boundaries create a framework that lets people know how to treat you. They help define what you’re comfortable with and how you like to be treated by others. They apply to any relationship you have. Clear expectations created by boundaries help form respectful, mutual relationships. Without them, we risk mistreatment and enmeshment, as we are not functioning as separate individuals.
Often, in dysfunctional or codependent families, people don’t develop a strong sense of themselves as confident, independent people. Instead, they let others dictate their identity, emotional state and self-worth. Without them, there is too much room for drama. Respecting boundaries help to create a drama-free relationship.

Healthy boundaries are a prerequisite to happiness. They define us in all kinds of ways. They represent what’s essential in our lives. A boundary is a container for our sense of self. It holds our views of ourselves and the world.
Our personal boundaries define our identity, and without them, there would be no individuality. Individuality, purpose and strength are a result of good boundaries.

How are boundaries different from control?

A boundary is an emotional line in the sand. It’s to protect both parties in a relationship and the relationship itself. 

A boundary isn’t a tool of control. It’s almost the opposite. Setting boundaries in a relationship is fundamentally about mutual respect for both party’s needs.

• There is mutual accountability. It’s not a one-way street.
• It’s a take-it-or-leave-it condition. If another person’s boundaries aren’t aligned with your needs, you need to be able to leave the relationship. 
• And if they aren’t respecting your boundaries, you need to leave that relationship. 

We are often concerned about setting and communicating our boundaries because we think it’ll push people away. Or we are afraid a person will react negatively or feel hurt.

Setting boundaries

Start by paying attention to how you feel about and react to situations around you.

• What makes you feel uncomfortable?
• What’s important to you?
• What do you want to keep private?
• Is there a behaviour trait that’s unacceptable to you?

Boundaries are about your relationship with yourself. They help you honour your needs, goals, feelings and values.

Examples of boundaries

• I want to spend time with family and friends on the weekend, and you are welcome to join me.
• I’m cool if we follow each other on social media, but I don’t check it often, so it’s better to call me if you need to reach me. (set’s the expectation that you are okay with them messaging on social media, but not to expect a reply.)
• I trust you, I have confidential information on that laptop, but I can’t share the password with you. (It’s great if you can give a reason, as people can feel stung by what they might perceive as a lack of trust).
• I don’t share passwords. (This is just as good, though. You DO NOT have to give a reason. A boundary is always valid. They don’t have to know why. However, without a little softening, this statement may cause hurt feelings.)
• If you get home late, don’t make a lot of noise or listen to TV/music above level 6. (It’s Helpful to be specific sometimes)
• I am comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public.
• I enjoy texting, but I can’t text you while I am at work.
• Only call me at work if it’s really important and can’t wait until 5 pm.
• I need quiet time to myself every day.
• I am comfortable with hugs and kisses, but I am not ready to have sex.

Boundaries can change over time.

Boundaries can and do, change over time. It’s normal for boundaries to shift as we gain more experience and better understand ourselves and our relationship. We might also find that what was permissible in one relationship is not in another.

For example, you might have particular criteria for your cousin, who’s a recovering alcoholic. Maybe your cousin isn’t allowed to drink, but anyone around them is to obtain from drinking.

We might be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but as we learn more about ourselves and our relationship, we see that we are not okay with it.

We might only realise that something has crossed a line once we’ve experienced it, which is why communication, respect and understanding are such hallmarks of healthy relationships. It’s almost inevitable that someone will cross a line in any relationship, and we have to communicate and understand how and why.
Each person has the right to change a boundary at any time.
What’s important is that you are communicating the boundary changes as they are happening.

How specific should a boundary be?

It’s up to you, but generally speaking, it’s an excellent idea to ere on the safe side and spell it out, but it’s not possible in all relationships all the time. Boundaries, like everything, are contextual. Culture is different for different people and in other places. But keep in mind that if a person cannot understand the boundary, or you haven’t articulated it, then they can’t expect to know when they transgress it.
We all have millions of cultural boundaries built in by our social conditioning.

• How far you should stand from someone in a queue
• What body parts are okay to touch amongst friends casually.
• How loud your voice should be in a library vs a cinema.
• Your boss might be able to criticise your messy work desk, but if your partner does, there might be hell to pay!
• Your roommate might have permission to use certain communal things but not others. How have you articulated that? And how should they know which is which? An easy way might be to put all personal items in your room, which will put a (literal) boundary around it. And then speak about particular objects like umbrellas and your favourite mug on a case-by-case basis.

There might be situations that it’s (contextually) okay to transgress:

• If you hate people touching your things, and a stranger at a cafe chases you down the street and gives you back your phone?
• If you object to someone swearing in your presence, and they swear as they stub their toe, how much should you object to that?If you hate people touching your things, and a stranger at a cafe chases you down the street and gives you back your phone?

What if someone doesn’t like the boundary you have imposed?

How is a boundary different from a negotiation?

A boundary is not a negotiation, but it is contextual.

Boundaries are enforced by law and considered a fundamental human right. For example, touching someone in public can be a sweet gesture, or a crime, depending on your relationship with them and whether you have consent. So these norms are a legally binding social contract that we may not have agreed to but are there to protect everyone’s freedoms. However, partners can touch each other in public, and with consent, can speak to each other in any way they both enjoy.
Yet, the world is full of boundary pushers:

• A boss or client that takes too much of your time. 
• A parent imposing their opinions with brute force. 
• Partners that intentionally persist in leaving their dishes lying around. 
• Boundaries and consent are vital, but it is vitally important to present and enforce your boundaries and how well the other person understands your boundaries.

Boundaries must be set and are changed because you want the changes made. Not because you are being pressured or manipulated into making changes. You can leave your job if you don’t like the culture there, and if it’s violating your safety and health, you can pursue legal action.
But equally, you can’t have your way all the time, in all areas of your life. There are those subjects and areas that require discussion and negotiation. You might even consider a contract. But the main thing is that if someone has a boundary that the other cant accept, both parties are equally able to walk away from the relationship. You should consider this agreement a ‘win!’ You’ve successfully enforced and/or respected a boundary. Celebrate heartily!